I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
