i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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