I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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