I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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