i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
