you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
