I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
