haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
