I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
