member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
