Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
