just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
