kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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