There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
