You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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