thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
