A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
two words...techno handjob
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
