im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
