I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
