note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
