u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
