Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
