I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
