38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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