I haven't been this sober since birth.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
