she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
