I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
