Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
