I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
