I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
