the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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