Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
