if i can run in heels then i can drive
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
