paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Randomize
