there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
