I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
