There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
