New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I think people are normalizing furries
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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