Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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