trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
