"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
