I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
