As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
