don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
