Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
