i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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