I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
