1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
