my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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