it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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